Office Space: 2nd edition

I was always told you dress for the job you want, not the job you have. So when I started my most recent temp job I wore dress pants, a shirt, a tie, and some really nice shoes. I shaved every day and even wore cologne. I soon found out that none of it mattered.

One day I was talking to the receptionist at the office and complaining that I didn't really like wearing a monkey suit. She said that I could wear jeans as long as they didn't have holes in them.

Every day after that I came one step closer to becoming Pigpen. I started by exchanging my dress pants for jeans. No one cared. Then I went from dress shoes to sneakers. Again, no one cared. Every day I downgraded my wardrobe a little more. I started growing out my facial hair, long wisps of pubic like strings hanging from my neck. I kept going: exchanging collared shirts for t's, not combing my hair and finally, skipping showers for days at a time. Each day I reported to my corner conference room, think Brazil only with more ducts, and did my job looking like complete shit.

My last day it started raining on me... inside.

Around lunchtime I heard a rumbling and assumed it was my stomach. Then I heard a dripping sound. I looked up from my desk and saw the ceiling ballooning out above me. I watched the balloon cry a small, pathetic tear that rolled down the wall and onto the carpet. I realized the building must have been weeping at my departure. I got up and tenderly hugged the wall, assuring it: "It's going to be okay." Then the balloon exploded and water poured all over me, the cardboard boxes, and the cans of coke left in the corner.

God was angry that day ladies and gentlemen, and he wanted to flood that place as much as I did. I didn't have an ark, but I did select two of every office supply and got the hell out of there.

Rule #7:
Eat film books. Always be reading a film book, whether it is about lighting, sound, acting, directing, it doesn't matter. Always be learning something new about the craft.

Smash and Grab:
I'm trying to get an internship at this place that teaches Avid, FCP, and a bunch of other apps. In exchange for my work they would give me free lessons.

Office Space

I just completed my first temp job in LA. Here are some funny/interesting stories from my experience:

Day in and day out I was performing the mundane task of gathering and copying invoices from an array of cardboard boxes. I think my brain shut off at around day three, and to keep itself occupied it played old Mickey Mouse steamboat cartoons for the duration.

I told my boss I couldn't find an invoice with the number 421. She looked up at me from her desk and said, "Did you try 420?" On this particular day it was the most hilarious thing I had ever heard, and I laughed right in her face. Then I tried to pretend I was coughing and covered my mouth with my jacket. Wait, this sounds like a lame story from Seventeen magazine. Maybe I'll submit it. (This is for people who have read seventeen magazine: And then my boyfriend showed up and he was like totally grossed out because I totally had SNOT all over my face...totally. Then I had my period all over his dad's new convertible. ha HA!)

While I was working in my box-filled conference room, I noticed that there were a bunch of coca-cola cans sitting in the corner. I refrigerated one before lunch and then at around 3 o'clock I drank it. I usually don't drink soda, and when I do, I prefer to avoid caffeine. It does weird stuff to my body, this time being no exception.

About 10 to 20 minutes later I started getting a REALLY big buzz. I was talking to myself and making strange contortions with my lips. Then suddenly I sprung up from my chair, pulled my shirt over my head, and shouted, "My name is cornholio. I come for your bunghole." I proceeded, under the visual protection of my four walls, to stomp around the room saying this repeatedly. My only hope was that someone on their cigarette break saw me through the window of the adjacent building. I probably made their day.

If I think of any more stories I'll post them later. I'm sure they will come to me, but for now I'M DONE! Now time to get another job...shit.

Watch this video: http://www.nervevideo.com/foundvideo/069/video.aspx?videoitemId=25

I'm obsessed.

Rule #6: Find someone really rich with no creative talent and make him or her believe you will do their idea for a movie. In the editing room, use none of their shots and all of yours. If you have to go so far as to make two completely different cuts of the same film, do it. Then take your cut and win a festival.

Internship

Corner of the sky productions, owned by Dave Phillips, is a small production firm that sells scripts to major studios. They offered me a non-paying internship for two days a week, and I accepted. My duties include: reading scripts, answering phones, and running errands. Today I changed out the water filter in the community kitchen! I've hit the big time. I want you to listen to Peter Gabriels song, "Big Time," off his 1986 award winning album SO. Go download it. I'll wait.

Seriously though, CSP is a relaxing environment to work in. The boss and I hit it off right away. He told me about a huge event that he hosts annually at the sundance film festival called ChefDance. It takes the top ten chefs in the nation and sets up a makeshift restaurant in the center of Utah. The guest list is invitation only, so a lot of celebrities. He said today that I should come with him instead of volunteering through the sundance site. The only problem is that Sundance isn't until January and I doubt I can keep working for free two days a week. I guess I'll just get another temp job, but this time I'll make sure its not in the financial section of the company.

I'll know by tomorrow if I have a place to live. Pray for me.

Rule #5

Start building a contact list. Meet and connect with people who are interested in what you are interested in. Go to film festivals, work for free on sets, and get everyone's number and e-mail. Stay in touch! After a while you can always say, "I know a guy who can get that done."

Video Games

Everytime someone comments, an angel gets its wings. Seriously, thank you for commenting. It makes me feel as though I'm not wasting my time.

WARNING:
People who are not in touch with their geekier sides should probably not read this. Wait until the next post, where I will talk about an assortment of freshly painted vases that I admired through a store window.

My friend Kristen invited me to the largest video game music event in the history of the world. That's right, a full orchestra playing classic video game music. It is aptly named: Video Games Live. Here's a recap of the events.

I had no idea what to expect as I approached the Hollywood Bowl wearing my best threads and rarely worn Ferragamo shoes, but I soon discovered that I was overdressed and lacking the proper frame of mind. It felt like I was back at the world sci-fi convention in Boston-- only this time, everyone was wearing video game shirts instead of storm trooper helmets. I passed a number of concession stands with greasy haired, pimply teenagers and their gothed girlfriends as I made my way to my seat.

A side note: Sometimes, but not often, I saw a guy with a face no mother could love but who had a fairly attractive female on his arm. My only explanation is that the guy somehow got them young, took them hostage and forced them to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation start to finish 1,000 times. Then, once properly brainwashed, told them that Klingons would smite them if they ever had sex with anyone else.

I found my seat and settled down for the show. First came some big time DJ guy, I don't even know his name, but he played some damn good music. It was integrated with some of the craziest CG effects that I have ever seen. Maybe I was in a suggestive state because I remember being very cold, but even so it was fantastic. Some other highlights: a live action version of Metal Gear Solid, some people in awesome FF7 costumes backed by a full orchestra and a Frogger competition played with real people. Then I got to meet everyone in the show, and when I say I met everyone, no joke. Apparently Kristen is really down with the video game crowd and was able to get me back stage. I'm sure each of the performers was very famous in their chosen field but I really didn't care. I talked to them like normal people and they responded in kind.

There was music from Mario, Zelda, Final Fantasy, Halo, Metal Gear Solid, Warcraft, Myst, Kingdom Hearts, Medal of Honor, Sonic, Tron, God of War and others. Plus there was an expanded Classic Arcade Medley featuring tributes to the games that started it all. The concert was also a big advertisement for upcoming games. That part I didn't like. Someone was charging 65 bucks per ticket, and then getting advertising revenue on top of that. That someone is making a KILLING. Maybe I'm in the wrong business...

Here are some of the people who played music for the show: BT, Steve Vai, Dweezil Zappa, and Video Game Pianist Martin Leung.

You can check out the website here: http://www.videogameslive.com/index.php?s=home

Smash and Grab:
Next week I'm going to start jumping on set to make as many contacts as I can. The only problem is that I'll want to take over. I'll keep you posted about the corner of the sky internship. It's starting next week.

The Movies

I now live in the movies, or at least I live in a place where seeing movie stars happens on a regular basis. Jeff Goldblum, Keanu Reeves, Rufio from Hook, Chad Murray from One Tree Hill, Lloyd from Entourage, all have looked in my general direction. I think the next step is to approach them and offer them my autograph. Then say, "Here you go, slugger," and muss up their hair. The places I hang out are also movie-like. I keep thinking I'm going to walk around a corner and see a bunch of guys taking down lights and calling cut.

Smash and Grab Productions:
I am almost done with my temp job, but to thwart my attempts at a speedy exit the powers that be have moved me into a room with a big screen television, snack machines, a radio, a foosball table, a ping pong table and a pool table. I kid you not. I think they want me to use these things so they can fire me and claim they don't have to pay me for all my work. Well, the joke's on them. I only use these things during my lunch break, and now instead of food, fun is my lunch. I have another script to read. This one is a television pilot, oooo.

Rule #4
Find someone who is doing what you want to be doing and work for them for free.

Oh hey Mr./Mrs. Big shot, I was in the neighborhood and was wondering if you needed a bitch. Why yes, I do have experience being a brown noser.

All I am saying is there's nothing wrong with cold calling people whom you admire. Even sending an e-mail or letter a day isn't harassment until they tell you it is. So get out there and send that letter to Peter Jackson or David Lynch, because you never know.

Script Coverage

Nelly Furtado has single handily brought my faith back in woman singers. Maneater is her new single, listen to it, or your day won't be as awesome. I hate you Fergi.

Rule 3:

Have two polished scripts that are ready to go if you get the proper funding.
Another note: replace as much dialogue with action as you can.

Smash and Grab Productions:
I did my first script coverage for Corner of the sky Productions. SHOUT OUT! Thank you Will Blank, Jerry Bradbury, and Cheryl Hess for all your help.

Interview

Smash and Grab:
I went into an interview to talk to Dustin and David from Corner of the Sky productions. I met Dustin, a skinny spectacled guy who said that I would be coming in two times a week to help out with answering phones, running errands, and writing coverage. My first assignment is to write coverage for a untitled film about a down on his luck ex-stunt pilot who finds redemption by helping a young boy and his friends realize their dream of flying. I wrote that logline myself.

I met David who was a very energetic guy with big plans for future. He had been a literary manager for ten years and has been a producer for four. I could tell he had a lot of selling experience because he kept my interest and convinced me to work there for free. The thing he said to me that peaked my interest was this: "Jake, I have no problem listening to good ideas. If you bring me a script and I like it, I will get it sold." I figure a couple days a week can't be that bad, and if he's pulling my leg then I'll know by the end of the month. Plus this guy knows what he's doing. He has a movie with Steve Carrell, and another one with Dane Cook coming out soon. Can't hurt.

Rule #2:
No job is too small, no opportunity not worth investigating. I have found this to be true from my own experience. Example: when I went out with Alison to support her in her porn adventure I ended up not only meeting a guy who would give me a grip job, but also taking his acting job, and getting paid 100 dollars for one line. I also met a photographer named Kaden. We joked around and hit it off. When I went to the grip job I realized we were shooting at Kaden's studio, just by coincidence. Now Kaden is going to give me a heads up if there are any more film jobs. No job is too small, no opportunity not worth investigating.

Living in LA

I want this blog to have laser beam focus rather than just rants, so I'm going to start imparting advice from my own experience about how to live in LA. It's going to be called, "Rules for Breaking into the Entertainment Industry." Rather than write them all at once, I will give you one Golden Rule each post.

Rules for Breaking into the Entertainment Industry

Rule #1:
Make money somewhere else before you come to LA. Los Angeles isn't that nice of a place but unfortunately LA is where the entertainment industry is. Without money to cushion the transition you will be forced into working a job you either absolutely hate or find annoying because it eats up all your time. The truth is you need to work for free to make contacts, and you won't have the time to do that if you have to get a job. Save up $6000, then take the shot. This will allow you to move into a single room in the middle of Hollywood and stay there for about 3 months before you have to get a job that pays. Remember, film and television shoots are going on ALL THE TIME, all you have to do is get there and work your ass off. By the end of the three months you have hopefully found someone who likes you enough to start paying you to help them. Cheers!

Smash and Grab Productions:
Going to an interview today. I'll keep you all posted as to how it turns out. I'm also turning in my resume to Family Guy and American Dad. It turns out that they're right downstairs from my temp job. Really nice people. Plus, you don't have to dress up in a monkey suit. All the guys there dress in flip-flops and tees.

Here are some goals:
Short term
1) I want to write everyday.
2) I want to work out three times a week.
3) I want to make more film contacts.

Mid-Term
1) I want a job in the film or television industry.
2) I want to make enough money to be able to save a little each month.
3) I want to have a film team that I trust.

Long term
1) I want to have a feature length project ready to pitch to the studios.
2) I want to know how to pitch to a major studio.
3) I want to be making a living working on movie or television sets.

Los Angeles Short Film Festival

Luis, the Assistant Director from the failed movie we did a documentary about, had a short film in the LA Film Festival at the Arc Light. Blake Anderson was in town, so we headed to the theatre together. While I was waiting for the show to begin I saw an art exhibition that I really enjoyed. This photographer turned ordinary women, through lighting and make up, into 1940's starlets. The transformations were amazing. He would take ass-ugly women and somehow turn them into femme fatales that would have had anyone's tongue wagging. Also, Blake and I were hanging around outside the theatre before the show when, low and behold, Keanu Reeves walks out with a couple of his buddies. According to Blake he, "checked me out," and come to think of it, have you ever heard of Keanu having a girlfriend or some big-Hollywood relationship scandal?

The show starts and after three shorts I realize that that I am at or above the level of the films I am watching. There were a few that stood out. There was an animation piece named Memorial that blended graffiti and computer animation. Then there was another movie about getting old and not caring what people think anymore. Can't remember the title. Then Luis's film comes up. It was OK. It was about a girl losing her mother and how the father deals with it. They shot it in Mexico city with local talent. The best part, though, is that it was written by your and my favorite person: Marco Martinez Galarce. The funniest part of the show was when people started clapping after a commerical for porsche (they thought it was a short).

I got a Thai massage earlier in the day and it gave me an idea for a business that I could start. It would be called: The Cuddle Factory. There's something soothing about a 95 pound girl man-handling you like a piece of meat. That's what gave me the idea. People need cuddling, and lots of it. You come in, sit down, and order your cuddle partner out of a catalogue. Forty dollars for half an hour. A lot of people are starved for human affection, especially in LA.

Smash and Grab: I'm going on an PA interview Thursday for Corner of the Sky Productions. My contact is the producer of Evan Almighty, the sequel to Bruce Almighty starring Steve Carrell. I asked the guy today if there was room for upward mobility, compensation, or a chance to be on set. The answer to all of this was no. So, I'm going to the interview for experience but I'm definitely not accepting the job.

Finding a place to live

I'm currently living in my sisters 4 foot by 4 foot apartment and out of that miniscule amount of space I call about 2 square feet my home. Needless to say, I've been a burden to my sister, or at least I feel like I've been a burden. I decided to do something about it and find my own place ASAP. I met a girl named (for the sake of privacy I'll call her) Lil, not the brightest in the bunch, but a nice girl who was looking for a roommate. Actually, if I'm going to be completely honest, Lil fell off the stupid tree because she was too stupid to realize that she had to hold on, then she fell into a pit of stupid etc. etc. Lil is a blond haired half-Asian, fake breasted, L.A. type. She's got more boobs than brains. I say all this because she screwed me at the last second out of a nice place to live.

Let me back up a second and describe to you the awful mess of a situation that I walked into. Lil's ex-roommate, who I will call from now on Mel, embezzled Lil's rent checks and spent it on drugs. So for two months Lil didn't know why she was getting eviction notices. When Lil finally confronted Mel about it, Mel fled and hasn't been heard or seen from since. She must still be alive though because last I checked her stuff was gone. That brings us to today.

Today I was all ready to sign a check and have a sweet pad of my own when the pit of stupid struck. I actually had the check out and the pen wet when Lil said that she didn't have enough money to cover the first, last and security. Now, you might be asking yourself, "Well, Jake, you should know better. This woman was obviously not on top of her shit." The thing is, I called her before this told her how much it was going to be. I TOLD HER. She wasted my time, and waited until the last second until she backed out. Now I'm angry.

Luckily I have a SINGLE room for October, but for now, I have a place to live with another of Alison's crazy friends. I can't wait :0

Smash and Grab:
I sent my spanking new resume out to a couple of HR people. I'll keep you posted. As for the Michael Mann thing it's still simmering in the back. Oh, and I have a meeting with one of my mom's old boyfriends. His name is Michael Pressman and he's pretty big time. IMDB him if you're interested.

L.A.

Will Blank has inspired me with his wonderful cross country bike trip blog (http://willonabike.blogspot.com/) so I've decided to start posting on this page. I'm currently residing in Los Angeles and have been here for about a month now. I've had some adventures that I'd like to share with you in list form.

-I had a non-sexual cameo in a porn movie within my second week.
-I am temping at one of the world’s largest advertising agencies.
-I never want to be a busboy again.
-I've met a lot of nice people who want to take my money and make me work for free.
-I helped out with a music video for this artist: http://www.shannoneileen.com/
-I don't hate anything yet.

This blog will not only be about my adventures and me, it will be about the rise of Smash & Grab Productions to stardom, so check back often and send me your warmest regards. If they are lukewarm, that is ok also.